They say love is the strongest emotion in human existence. I prefer to call it the strongest force of life. It is through love that nations have fought and, at other times, chosen to lay down their arms. Here, I am referring specifically to romantic love—the bond between two partners. This type of love inspires people to commit to spending their lives together in the holy institution of marriage.
Dating back to biblical times, as recorded in Genesis, God divided humanity into tribes and languages, giving rise to diverse cultures and traditions. Marriages traditionally occurred between people of the same tribe and language during those ancient times. However, in recent times, love knows no boundaries; couples are breaking down walls like the walls of Jericho. In Nigeria, where there are 371 ethnic groups, love continues to find its way across various cultural and ethnic divides.
My stance on intertribal marriage in Nigeria doesn’t matter because love trumps all. However, there are perspectives, considerations and peculiarities surrounding it. In literal meaning, an intertribal marriage is a marriage outside one’s tribe, where partners have different dialects, backgrounds, cultures, traditions and delicacies.
In some instances, parents do not consent to their children marrying outside of their tribe. In some of the worst cases, parents may withhold their blessings if the child insists on going through with the marriage. Some parents may choose not to attend the wedding ceremony at all. This situation can become emotionally, psychologically, and financially complicated for everyone involved, especially the couple and their respective families and friends. What may begin as a joyful, life-changing event can quickly turn into a sad, draining, and tear-filled experience.
Meanwhile, other parents find great joy in the knowledge that their child is open enough to fall in love with someone from another cultural heritage.
To them, it is as though he/she is bringing another member into the family and tribe, in the form of inculturation. For instance, in the case of an Efik woman marrying into the Igbo tribe, she automatically becomes another full-fledged Igbo Woman. It is like religious conversion.
There are key factors to consider regarding the intertribal union in Nigeria.
Language barrier
It is quite common for both partners in a relationship to communicate in English during the dating or courtship stage, especially when it is not either of their mother tongues. In the case of intertribal marriages, English often becomes the primary medium of communication between husband and wife throughout their lives.
Some partners put in the effort to become fluent in their spouse’s dialect. Some even go the extra mile by getting dialect books, taking classes, or having their partner teach them. However, for anyone who does not learn their spouse’s dialect, you can expect to communicate in English or Nigerian Pidgin for the entirety of your relationship.
This language barrier may present challenges, particularly in situations where discreet communication is necessary, such as in the presence of a third party. Additionally, as every family hopes for children, it raises the question of whether kids should learn the mother’s dialect, the father’s, or both, in addition to English. In such cases, couples should discuss the intricacies of language choice, as communication is a vital aspect of every human relationship—essentially its lifeblood.
However, no one should feel pressured to learn their partner’s dialect; it should be a decision made freely by the individual. True love thrives in an environment that is liberal and unforced.
Culture shock
The surprising aspects of every culture can be shocking to outsiders. It’s that astonishment you feel when interacting with people from different backgrounds. For example, some cultures have customs where a child might fall prostrate on the bare floor to greet an elder, while in other cultures, one might simply say, “Good morning, Ma,” to show respect to an elderly person. There are countless differences in customs and lifestyles across cultures that can leave you wide-eyed in wonder.
For couples who wish to share their lives, both partners must be open and willing to embrace each other’s culture. Making the effort to understand and appreciate your partner’s background demonstrates respect and love for them and their family. It also reflects a full acceptance of one’s heritage.
However, new couples may experience significant discomfort if the cultural changes expected of them feel overwhelming. In such cases, both partners need to find common ground. No one should feel compelled to abandon their own identity in an attempt to adapt to a culture that feels foreign or uncomfortable. Many of the conflicts that arise in intertribal marriages can stem from a lack of caution and diplomacy, especially during the early years of marriage.
Dressing and outlook
In many marriage ceremonies involving couples from different tribes, it is often customary for the groom to wear the traditional male attire of the bride’s culture. This requirement is considered mandatory in most tribes. For a man deeply in love, complying with this expectation is generally not a significant burden.
Once the groom takes his wife home, the situation often reverses. The wife frequently wears her husband’s tribal attire when attending events as a couple. Additionally, when either partner visits their in-laws, they are typically expected to dress in a manner that reflects the culture of the tribe they are visiting, whether it be the husband’s or the wife’s family.
These cultural norms require both partners to make considerable adjustments, depending on the situation. Any willing partner who is committed to crossing tribal boundaries for the sake of love should find these adaptations manageable rather than burdensome.
Delicacy tongue-tasting
Food is a pathway to everyone’s heart, including yours. More smiles and laughter are shared in the kitchen and around the dining table than in any other part of the home. Food is indeed universal, but delicacies and recipes differ across cultures. These two elements—delicacies and recipes—determine the nature of the final product that we call food. As a result, food varies between cultures; what is considered a delicacy in the North might be viewed as inedible in the East. When a man and woman come from different ethnic backgrounds, they should be open to tasting and even eating each other’s traditional foods. There is no universally accepted food; every dish, especially Nigerian delicacies, has an origin or cultural context.
For example, an Igbo bride married to a Hausa man will likely try Tuwon Shinkafa. It is not merely a possibility, but rather a certainty. Similarly, an Akwa Ibom man intending to marry Amaka, a woman from Abia State, will most likely enjoy Ofe Achara. In turn, Amaka will be expected to learn how to prepare Edikang Ikong soup for her Akwa Ibom husband. This blending of culinary traditions is essential for a successful union. Each partner must be willing to embrace a part of their partner’s culture and incorporate it into the food they are accustomed to.
Baby naming affair
The name “Ikemba Zainab Olanna” suggests an interesting blend of cultural origins. Breaking it down, “Ikemba” and “Olanna” are Igbo names, which indicates that she may have Igbo heritage. However, the name “Zainab” points to a different cultural background, typically associated with Arabic roots.
This combination of names often occurs when parents belong to different tribes and want to honour both of their heritages in their child’s identity. Many people can relate to having a classmate with a combined tribal name, leading to curiosity among peers about their origins. It’s common to hear explanations like, “My dad is from Anambra, and my mom is from Niger.”
It’s fascinating how love can unite two distinct cultures. In some instances, couples may choose to name their children solely after one tribe while, in other cases, they may use a more mixed approach. Regardless of the situation, it’s essential for any couple considering an inter-tribal marriage to recognise that choosing a name for their child will be one of the significant decisions they face.
Community meeting/association
We are shaped by our communities, and our interactions within them foster a sense of belonging and a complete human experience. When a woman marries into a tribe that is not her own, it is expected that she seeks out a women’s community or group. This action, while not mandatory, helps her integrate and identify with the wives of her new tribe, as she has now become part of the larger community.
For many women, this transition can be significant, especially for introverts or those experiencing social anxiety. The change often introduces differences in dialect, traditions, and the perceptions of the people in her new community. I have frequently observed the “women supporting women” mantra in these situations, where established wives guide the new wife through community greetings, practices, and ways of life. Some even take the time to help her with pronunciation in the local dialect.
While support from other women is readily available, it is ultimately up to the new wife to approach this integration journey with an open mind. After all, when we prepare for change, we are less likely to be surprised by it; we meet it ready.
Travel location choice
As expected, the festive period of Christmas involves many people and families travelling home to celebrate the joys of the season with their loved ones. For Christians, it is the second most anticipated celebration after Easter, as it marks the beginning of a new year according to the Gregorian calendar. Couples who come from different tribes will likely not be from the same state, which means they must decide whose hometown to visit for the celebration. Predictably, grandparents will want to have their grandchildren around to share memories and remind them of their roots.
As simple as this may seem for a couple considering marriage, if this topic is ignored and not discussed before making a formal commitment, things might get complicated. One partner might feel sidelined or neglected if the children are not allowed to visit either set of grandparents. No one wants to hear their parents reminding them to bring their grandkids home. The emotional, mental, and psychological strain this places on grandparents is unfortunate, and no grandmother should have to endure it.
One effective strategy for some couples is to alternate the visits: sending the kids to the husband’s side one year and the wife’s side the next. Love must find a way to make things work, after all. We can’t dictate where our hearts go, but when love takes us beyond tribal borders, it becomes essential to have these conversations openly. Doing so reflects a deep expression of love and respect for our partners, as those we cherish should also be included in our love.
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Feature Image by Deji Prince for Pexels
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