In a moment of misguided coolness at eleven(11), I wished for acne, not realising the power my words held. Acne used to be a sign of body development but what began as a flippant desire soon spiralled into a lifelong battle with acne and eventually, Body Dysmorphia. It was not until much later that I understood the truth in Proverbs 18:21: “Death and life are in the power of the tongue.”
Our words are compelling and capable of both harm and healing. Just like God’s creative power in the Bible, this was something I did not understand back then. I would say one of the reasons most people are suffering from any form of Body Image Issue is the negative words they say based on their circumstances. This brings about the symptoms and effects of Body Dysmorphic Disorder (BDD), which ultimately eats into our confidence and self-esteem.
Fear of Rejection
Constantly thinking that people would make fun of me or talk about the rash-like pimples on my face consumed my thoughts. The irony about this is that, at university, there was a friend who seemed confident and comfortable in her skin despite having more severe acne. This made me wonder what she was doing differently, as I constantly battled self-hatred and a longing for clear skin. But then I understood that it required much deeper work on my inside than dealing with it on the outside with skin care products. Before I knew what was happening, I realised I was already avoiding people socially, interacting less with people and making fewer friends.
Spending lots of money on skincare products
One other thing I know I did a lot then was spend a lot of money constantly switching skincare products, chasing after whatever seemed to be working for someone else. But nothing ever provided lasting results. It would seem effective for a short time, then, after a while, I’d be back to square one. This cycle of buying products, picking at my skin and hoping for a miracle overwhelmed me. I was unaware of the damage it was doing to my confidence and self-esteem. In focusing solely on my acne, I neglected to appreciate the other aspects of my body I liked. All of this never really brought me joy or the result I desired.
Anxiety and constant worrying
I experienced anxiety and constant worry almost every time I had to go to class or an event in my university days. The inconsistency of the acne on my face occupied my mind so significantly that it sometimes dictated my mood. I declined to go out because I was thinking about people seeing my face without makeup. I hated makeup. At some point I began to avoid the mirror, but also continued to check my appearance from afar obsessively, hoping to love my face again. Looking back now, it was a lot of work.
I spent a lot of time grooming myself and practising ways to hide my face. I selected hairstyles to shield my face. Sometimes it would be extremely hot, but I’d still wear the fringe hairstyle like that. I became strategic and calculative in everything I wore. Ironically though, after a while, I developed a compulsive habit of checking the mirror in the morning for any signs of improvement in my acne.
Constantly Comparing Self with others
Growing up, I loved fashion and clothes, and all those fashion magazines were my way of feeding my love for them. As a result, I was constantly fixated on magazines and idealised images of celebrities, yearning for a flawless face like theirs. I believed that achieving this goal was essential for finding peace, loving my face and acceptance.
I also remember constantly comparing myself to a good friend in school with clear, radiant skin. I naively believed that clearing the acne would grant me the same level of beauty and popularity she possessed. I was always asking people what they felt about my face. Most of them always said they could see the acne, but it was not as bad as I always painted it to be. I never really believed compliments about me being beautiful, because I thought I had to look a certain way and be perfect. This fueled my lack of self-love.
One day, I will talk about the ultimate solution of my journey.
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Feature Image by Monstera Production for Pexels.
The post Titilade Ilesanmi: How My Face Acne Affected My Self Esteem appeared first on BellaNaija - Showcasing Africa to the world. Read today!.
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